There exists great confusion in our culture regarding the emotion of anger. Most of us view anger to be uncomfortable in its mildest expression, dangerous and deadly in its strongest expression. In childhood we learned to suppress our experiences of anger, pain and fear, since the expression of these emotions only brought on misunderstanding or mistreatment from the adults around us. Our society is plagued with the problems of self-abuse, addiction, depression and suicide, which all result from our continuing efforts to control and contain the energy of anger and other repressed emotions.

In actuality, our anger holds the potential to serve as a deep, primal source of power and healing in our lives. To actualize this potential, we must first create a sacred space in our inner process and in our relationships which will allow the healing energy of anger to be released. Through both my professional and personal healing work, I have come to understand the following three premises to be essential elements in creating such a space.

Premise #1: Anger is not the same as violence. The experience of human emotion is an internal healing process which is manifested in the channeling and release of physical and psychic energy. Violence, on the other hand, is an external action which results from the choice to project anger or pain onto another person, then to violate that person's boundaries or safety in the belief that this will provide us protection and resolution of our pain. Yet as we are all aware, violent actions are usually followed by violent reactions in a cycle which can escalate to lethal consequences. In violent action the true source and healing potential of anger are subverted, buried among many layers of repressed rage, pain and grief.

Premise #2: The repression of emotion must be reversed in order to liberate the soul. I received this pivotal insight one morning while I was sitting in meditation, trying in vain to make my anger and fear "go away". For years I struggled to control the rage I felt within, through over-eating, pounding on my brothers, isolating myself, drinking, arguing with my partner, yelling at my children, destroying relationship after relationship sacrificed on the altar of jealousy, paranoia and other manipulative behaviors typical of my "Control-Freak" archetype. The voice of Spirit has gently and persistently guided me in my personal healing and professional practice, showing me how a deep process of emotional release is necessary for our full recovery into the loving, vital human beings we are meant to be.

Premise #3: The true release of anger does not hurt anyone, neither the person releasing the emotional energy nor any others who are witnessing the release. Anger cannot and should not be directed "at" anyone. I cannot be sad "at" another person, though the actions of another person may stimulate my sadness. Likewise, anger is an internal process which we create in our response to external and internal stimuli. If I project my anger onto others and thereby justify acts of verbal or physical violence, I will not experience a genuine release of blocked energy since in the process of projection my anger is disowned. True release is only possible when anger has been fully embraced or "owned", creating the healing opportunity by securing safety for all people present. Safety is essential for healing to occur.

In our work with the "Sacred Tantrum", we create a safe place to embrace and experience the primal healing energy of emotional release. Within the safety guidelines carefully established in the healing environment, a person is able to fully release rage into the benign receiver of a futon mattress, pounding and screaming, crying and shaking in a manner most of us haven't experienced since the tantrums of childhood. Persons who have experienced this process report feelings of profound relief, at last able to be completely themselves, seeing the world in a new way and finding solutions for problems which previously seemed insoluble.

If you would like to create a safe space for the release of anger within your own relationship, try the following "self-help" process with your partner. First, secure a mutual safety agreement for the process based on these groundrules:

1. No one will be injured physically.

2. No profanity, name-calling, threats or other verbal violence will occur.

3. Loud vocalizations of screaming, growling, roaring, crying are all OK. (Be sure to explain to neighbors or others in the near vicinity that you are "doing some emotional release work", and don't yell so loud that you hurt your voice!)

4. The only physical "acting out" allowed is pounding and kicking a futon or other mattress. No stray kicks and swings should occur, which could cause injury or damage to persons or property. (See Groundrule #1 above.)

5. Address any other safety needs, having each partner answer the question, "What do you need to feel completely safe expressing and witnessing anger?"

Once adequate safety has been established, release work is best done by setting a timer for 5-10 minutes each, then allowing one partner to lie prone on the futon and have a "tantrum" while the other observes. The observer's role is only to watch, listen, and to offer loving attention, thereby providing an anchor to the present moment while the person "in tantrum" revisits the anger and pain of a primal or childhood source. After the time is up, trade places so that the one who has been in tantrum becomes the observer and vice versa.

If you have a gut feeling that this process would not work within your relationship, because you doubt that either you or your partner could follow the groundrules or would hurt the other person or yourself, then you should seek counseling from a skilled therapist, counselor or other healer. Look for someone who has experience in Process-Oriented Psychology, Core Energetics, Re-Evaluation Counseling or some other form of emotional release process, both in their professional and personal healing work. Always remember to trust your feelings about whether a therapist or process is right for you. Although this may seem obvious, the process of healing should never involve the inflicting of new wounds upon our body, mind or spirit. Any true process for anger release will always hold paramount the safety of all those involved.

Finally, I believe the work of healing our anger is a vital step in the evolution of humanity into a more peaceful, loving and spiritually advanced species and civilization. It is also a process which we cannot afford to wait any longer to begin. Namaste.

(This article published in the September 1997 issue of the First Alternative Coop Thymes and the September/October 1997 issue of the Community ConneXion.)

A child is born, a gift from the Great Spirit, a blessing on the lives of the two parents, a joy whose cries resound, calling for an answer to the most basic of all needs: nourishment, warmth, safety, love.

But the child receives no nourishment, feels no warmth. The parents are frightened and unable to receive the blessing, instead responding to the child out of their fear. The child is not safe. The child sees anger in his parents eyes. The gift of the Great Spirit lays unopened. The child does not receive love, and this need unmet sets in motion a string of emotional dominos which tumble end over end. The child learns to see the world as a dangerous place, to distrust the motivations of others, to blame herself for all the pain she carries year after year, waiting for a miracle to relieve her suffering, a miracle which seems destined never to come...

All of us who carry emotional pain are victims of a cycle of violence, society's most under-rated crime, yet a crime which exists as the pervasive root of all other crimes. This is the crime of emotional and physical abuse, the crime against the soul. Whether we experience physical beatings, rape, incest, emotional manipulation, the hyper-critical parent, or the neglect or absence of any of our basic needs of nourishment, warmth, safety and love, the experience of abuse shatters our ability to trust in the universe. When unhindered, this basic, instinctual trust enables a child to grow, learn, blossom and soar in the warmth and security of a loving parental environment. Since we were both drawn to this article (you to read it and I to write it), I am probably safe in assuming we didn't experience such nurturing in our early lives. We came together to this writing because we are seeking healing.

Emotional healing is a completely natural, inborn process, which involves the experience, expression and release of emotional and psychic energy. When we are hurt, we feel anger, grief, fear, uncertainty, loneliness, abandonment. We heal our pain by releasing the energy associated with each emotion: when we feel anger, we release rage; grief, we cry; fear, we tremble or shake. But here's the catch: the same unsafe environment which causes our pain in the first place also prevents the safe expression of our emotional response to our pain. We are not allowed to rage or express our anger, nor allowed to cry as long or as deeply as we need to, nor allowed to shake or tremble in fear without concerns being voiced about our "mental stability". Our survival instinct tells us we must suppress our emotions, in effect suspending the healing process until such a time when our environment will support our emotional expression.

Many of us never find ourselves in such an environment, instead living in a continual trance-like state of depression or emotional malaise. Others of us feel the pain, yet respond with the various numbing medications provided by our addictive culture: alcohol, drugs (illicit and prescription), eating disorders, overwork, sexual compulsion, criminal activity...the list of possible addictions is endless. Still others of us embody our pain as manifested in various physical ailments or "dis-eases": heart failure, hypertension, cancer, immune disorders, endocrine imbalances, allergies, chronic fatigue, even the simple "common cold and flu". The root cause of all addictions and diseases is the same: unhealed emotional pain.

The healing process is simple, yet our culture seems more invested in maintaining the illusion of danger, more committed to the wounding path than the healing path. So to heal we step outside of culture. We create a new environment, a sacred healing space where the total, unbridled expression of our pain is welcomed, encouraged, celebrated and loved. We make new covenants to accept each other completely without judgement, to listen to each other and witness our full emotional expression without interruption or advice-giving, to touch each other in a conscious way which heals our loneliness and isolation, to nurture and nourish our souls in becoming whole, in growing, learning, blossoming and soaring in the way the Great Spirit intended Her children to live.

The Sacred Tantrum provides such a safe healing space, by allowing each person an opportunity to release emotional and psychic energy into the benign receiver of a futon mattress. In our Deep Process healing group we have seen emotions so deep and authentic and raw that I am feeling chills in writing this article, as I try to convey the power of these healing moments through the ackward medium of the written word. The Sacred Tantrum process a natural, intuitive response to our very basic human need to feel and release our emotional pain. As such, the process is not patented, not trade-marked, not "proprietary information". In fact, my favorite "give-away" is teaching the Sacred Tantrum as a self-help healing technique we can all practice with our partners, friends and companions.

Here are a few of the healing moments we've shared in our Deep Process group (no names or other identification are given to preserve confidentiality): a woman cries deeply and as loudly as a newborn, and has vivid memories of being left in a crib for hours as a child; a man expresses his core fear of connecting with others, and discovers ease and excitement in subsequent relationships; a woman rages in anger at her father's alcoholism and death, and discovers she also feels compassion and grief at his passing; a man expresses embarrassment and fear that his sexuality by nature makes him a danger to women (despite never having acted in an abusive manner), and he receives support, acceptance and blessings from his sisters in the group; a woman cries and rages at her sexual victimization, and finds within a renewed sense of her strength and ability to act powerfully in the world; a man expresses his core, life-long fear of death, and opens to the possibility of truly living his life to the fullest.

I will identify just one person - myself, in the last example. The fact is that the healing energy I have received from the group has renewed my spirit and commitment to living a meaningful life, to offering my consciousness and compassion to all my brothers and sisters, so that together we will unite in this great transformational moment to move our culture off the destructive path and onto the healing path. We all possess the ability to heal ourselves, our relationships, our community and our planet. More than ever, we are joining hands to create these healing moments. And as we heal the crimes against the soul, the cycle of abuse is forever broken, and the healing travels back up the chain to heal all the crimes of the past as well. Namaste.

...then one day the miracle happens! A woman opens her heart to receive the love of the kindred spirits gathering around her in a healing circle. Warmth, compassion and nurturing flood the darkened chambers of her soul with radiant brilliance. Tears flow freely, fear loosens its grip, and the child within grieves in a voice as loud as when she cried on her first day. Thunder clashes as she rages at the years of her oppression. Then the sun breaks through. The child laughs delightedly, as if seeing Creation for the first time. The woman arises, embraced by her sisters and brothers who rejoice at her healing.

The healing moment is recreated next for a man, then another woman, then another man...until all have received the radiant energy of the circle. The Great Spirit watches and sheds tears of joy, celebrating with the community which has at last welcomed His blessing.

Let go of your anger...forgive your abuser...let lovingkindness fill your heart...love your enemy and turn the other cheek...

We have all heard these great spiritual teachings about overcoming of our anger, about forgiveness, about loving the good in all persons, about seeking the gift in our pain. Yet still we hold on, feeling resentment, frustration, anger and rage. Our victimization continues, and we wear our pain like a badge, the living proof that we have suffered and that our soul has gone through the Dark Night. But when does the wounding end? When will we at last see the light of day?

For those of us who identify more with our pain than with the joy of living, the answer to our confusion lies first in understanding the cause and effects of our emotions, especially those which arise from victimization. We all at some time in our lives have been victimized, mistreated, disrespected, ignored or otherwise hurt emotionally. The completely natural and unavoidable response to the injustices we receive is to feel intense emotions of betrayal, confusion, fear, grief and anger. If we would allow our emotions to run their course, i.e. to their completion, then we would fully recover and heal these emotional wounds. This usually is not the case: instead of releasing our emotions, we suppress this expression, in effect holding on to our pain and setting the stage for the continuing problems of victimization, depression and conflict which seem to plague us in our adult life.

If this causes so many problems, then why do we choose to repress emotions, instead of releasing them and getting it over with? Think back to how our parents responded to our emotions as we were growing up. Most of our families had a very low tolerance for emotional expression, especially those of us boomers whose parents were rooted in the culture of the 50's. Men didn't cry, women didnít get angry, and children were best "seen and not heard". Now, envision what could have happened if the opposite had been true, if tears had been welcomed when losses occurred, if anger and frustration had been given their sacred place in the grieving process, and if confusion had been understood as a necessary precondition to the experience of enlightenment which so many of us seek...

I must say a few words on that last point. As I noted in the opening of this article, many of us received and continue to receive some very strong teachings about anger from our spiritual leaders. The transcendence of anger (i.e. forgiveness) is indeed a most noble and lofty ideal, but I have found that this simply is not possible until our grief process is fully experienced and understood. This is why so many survivors of abuse cringe at the admonition that we forgive our abusers, why we find ourselves struggling to feel compassion and lovingkindness, why our attempts at meditation are constantly interrupted by thoughts of vindictiveness and persecution. The way to overcome this dilemma (i.e. how to let go of our anger) is to make the conscious decision to fully embrace our anger - to get over it, we must first get into it!

Enter the Sacred Tantrum, a simple yet powerful process of healing through authentic expression and emotional release. Through a mutual commitment to non-violence and the honoring of our true power, we can create a safe, structured environment within which to channel and release the physical and psychic energy of repressed emotions. In practical terms, the Sacred Tantrum process involves just what the name invokes: a person hitting, pounding or kicking on a futon mattress, while shouting, yelling, screaming or wailing! Within a Deep Process Healing group or workshop, other people provide compassionate witness during the process while one person processes in the center of the healing circle.

The result is a profound transformation of our inner process, as our pain is experienced and released. Our depression lifts, our stress is relieved, our frustration and anger dissipates and new possibilities emerge. As we heal and release the wounds of the past, our attention is more fully available for the present moment. This transcendence of pain is the same goal as the practice of mindfulness meditation. With the Sacred Tantrum, the rage that heals, we have found the solution to the dilemma of what to do with those confounding angry thoughts which interrupt the peacefulness of our meditation. What to do about anger? Get it out! Then, and only then can we let go, forgive the enemy (who is after all within each of us), and experience lovingkindness, equanimity and peace on earth.

Blessings and good wishes to all of us in this new year.

Let's be honest now. We are Summer junkies. We love sunny, blue-sky days, where temperatures require the most minimum of clothing and clouds dare not bother us. We use summer - and the sun - to keep our spirits up, to focus our gaze outward, to celebrate our life energy in the season of growth and bounty.

Then Winter arrives, with its cold, damp weather, ever-darkening days, and a very different requirement - to look inward, to explore our interior landscape, to encounter the energy of the Shadow and the Dark Night of the Soul. And how we donít like this! We complain about the rain, the fog, the gloom, the despair we now feel, having been forced to go cold-turkey from our Summer sun-feast.

So we fight the Winter, we fight our feelings of sadness, our low energy, our despair, our boredom. We seek relief through mind-numbing indoor activity, through television, videos, movies and our computer links to virtual worlds, or through increased consumption of caffeine, alcohol, drugs, sex, food (think of the "holiday" eating just round the bend). But none of these attempts bring any lasting relief. We continue to feel restless, frustrated, lonely, even angry.

How do we recover our authentic happiness and energy in this season of inner yearning? To begin with, we must name and take ownership of the process which we have been fighting against, to acknowlege and accept that we have sadness, we have confusion, we have fatigue, we have restlessness, we have despair. (The reader will notice I don't include "depression" in this list. I do this because the word "depression" has become far too generalized in its common usage to describe the many nuances, tones, flavors and colors of the our "darker" emotional processes.)

Once named and owned, we then can begin a fuller and deeper exploration of the emotional process we have chosen. That's right - chosen! This reality of choice cannot be overlooked. Though there can be a sense of comfort in blaming our moods on the externals of weather, season, our partners, family members and other "enemies", as long as we relegate responsibility for our feelings to outside sources we are disempowered from the possibility of healing. Healing is at its essence a process of empowerment.

Just what are the emotions of the Winter Blues? Sadness, despair, loneliness, anxiety, anger - all these are energies most of us struggle to contain, avoid, ignore or otherwise repress. But REPRESSION of emotional energy is the root cause of all DEPRESSION - not biological imbalances in brain chemicals, endocrines or hormones! Given the common beliefs of both allopathic and "alternative" medicine, I know this assertion is radical - especially with the current emphasis being placed on pharmaceutical and herbal "mood enhancers" (Have you seen how many different brands of St. Johns Wort we sell at the Coop?) However, I will not apologize for my critique; after all I am seeking to get to the root of the problem.

It is true that mood-elevating medications, whether chemical or herbal, can be helpful as crutch to get us through a crisis. But if we donít work to heal the underlying emotional causes, our depression returns as soon as we stop taking the medicine, often with a vengeance. Mood-elevating chemicals and herbs work their magic through the suppression of symptoms, and this further repression of emotional energy will also need an outlet once medication is ceased. (If you want to stop taking your Prozac or other antidepressant, don't stop "cold-turkey"! Talk to your doctor about tapering off gradually.)

Back to the emotional process: Weíve named it, owned it, reclaimed our projections (no longer blaming others, the weather or God), now what do we do with it? FEEL IT! "E-motions" are energy in motion, power to move us from one state to another. Releasing the energy which has been held back allows us to LET GO of the state we are stuck in and move into another (and often more pleasant) state of consciousness. There doesnít seem to be a shortcut around this process - not meditation, prayer, intellectualizing, nor positive thinking will satisfy the longings of our soul to feel and to heal.

And just how do we feel our emotions? We create a safe space, where we are accepted without judgement, where ALL emotions are welcomed (even those which we label "negative"). We do this by making a covenant with a partner, friend, family member, or counselor to share our feelings together, to support each other in healing our pain. This support involves taking turns listening to each other, telling our authentic truth, honoring our strengths and vulnerabilities, and holding out the divine nature of all aspects of our being - especially our most "unsavory" feelings.

The savvy reader will note above that I placed "counselor" last on the list of places to seek support. This may seem somewhat contradictory, since I have been working as a counselor for several years. Yet in my professional and personal healing I have discovered that the process of going to a counselor, like medication, is only a crutch to help us through a crisis. In order to heal, we must receive ongoing support from primary sources - our partner, our family, our circle of friends. In my practice, I always seek to involve partners and others in the healing process, as well as to develop a broad support network. In our ongoing Deep Process groups we meet regularly with each other outside of group for "healing exchanges", continuing the emotional recovery process between group meetings.

Oh yes, and how does ANGER fit into this process of "beating" the Winter blues? Try this exercise the next time depression seems to clutch the throat of your hope with its boney fingers - ask yourself what youíre angry about. (If you can't think of anything, maybe itís just about being depressed again!) Then honor your anger, and if it feels right growl or shout (but not at anyone), pound on a pillow or futon (but not on anyone), then see if the cloud lifts a little. This exercise works even better if you have a compassionate witness with whom to take turns having "sacred tantrums". Either way, the key to releasing anger safely is Ahimsa, our decision not to harm anyone, including ourselves. With Ahimsa we can transform our anger from a wounding force which we must struggle to contain into "the rage that heals". What a relief!

Want to learn more? Come to the Evanite Training Center on January 20 for a free mini-workshop on Deep Process Healing. Sign up at the Coop to reserve a space. I look forward to seeing you there. Blessings in this New Year!

The Mother calls to us. She is crying in pain from the wounds the family of Humanity has inflicted upon her. Her rivers are fouled, her air clouded with fumes, her forests stripped, her skin bruised and beaten. Her animal children are so few in numbers now, while the human family continues to grow.

The Mother calls to us. We must respond. But we don't. We are afraid. We are overwhelmed by the scope of the problems we see, not knowing where to begin, not believing our responses will have any impact on the vast destruction which continues. We sink into despair and depression, trying to avoid thinking about anything. We allow ourselves to be distracted by the day-to-day stresses of our modern lives, and close our ears her cries.

The Mother calls to us. We see activists respond, with strong angry voices, sitting in front of bulldozers, rallying on the Capitol, lobbying representatives, fueled by the power of their anger and frustration. We see others turning away, justifying our consumer lifestyle without a single question about what will happen when our resources run out, when our food supply runs out, when our air is no longer breathable, when our water is no longer drinkable.

The Mother calls to us. Our pain is great, but we ignore it. We try to soothe ourselves with the habits of childhood. We eat too much, we drink too much, we buy new toys to distract us, we find new pacifiers - drugs, games, videos, internet - trying and trying to soothe the gnawing pain of awareness. We try to ignore the truth which we all know deep inside, that our condition is terminal. We know that our own species belongs on the top of list of the endangered, and if we do not turn from the consumptive, destructive path we are on that humanity will too meet its end.

The Mother calls to us. With every moon we ignore her, our depression deepens. We want relief from this strange ailment called "depression". We try pharmaceuticals - Prozac, Zoloft, and other psychotropic super-drugs. We try herbals - St. John's Wort, Super Blue Green Algae and other super-supplements. We invest hundreds of our limited dollars into the latest trend in healing, self-help books, spiritual paths, psychotherapy. Still our depression holds on, because we are ignoring the call of the Mother. We are depressing ourselves, holding in our despair - which is the quite natural response to our deteriorating collective human condition.

The Mother calls to us. Something shifts. Is it a paradigm? A seasonal change? The earth beneath our feet? A mood? We are unsure, but something is different now. And now, we decide to listen. We begin by listening to the closest voice of the Mother, the voice of our own body. Our flesh is from her flesh. We tune in to how she feels within us. We find our body weak, our weight heavy, our energy lax, our health marginal. We begin to care for our earthly form, our spiritual home, our incredible, beautiful, powerful body. We begin to eat right, knowing intuitively what foods will nourish us. We begin to exercise, knowing that our movement will strengthen us, will give us more life energy and excitement.

The Mother calls to us. We begin to listen to our feelings, the inner landscape which reflects so well the landscape around us. In our cities we feel rushed, harried, overworked. We return to the land, the wilderness, the lakes, the rivers, the mountains, the ocean. We see the marks of our brothers and sisters upon the land, the naked hills, the scarred earth, the polluted waterways. But now, we do not turn away. We allow ourselves a true and complete response. Our grief flows in sobbing, weeping gasps, our fear shudders through our spine, our rage shouts forth from our lungs. But we do not hurt anyone in our authentic expression. Instead we allow our "e-motions" to become energy to move us to a new place, to a new way of being.

The Mother calls to us. We turn to our sisters and brothers, telling our truths, listening to each other, embracing and joining hands, erasing all barriers of fear, prejudice and judgment which we had been hiding behind previously. We call forth a new covenant for our lives upon this land, that together we will heal the wounds which we have committed in our ignorance, and from this moment forward we will all live as stewards to the sacred earth below us, the sacred waters around us, the sacred sky above us, and the sacred relationships between us.

The Mother calls to us. And now we listen. And now we hear the beauty of her voice as she sings in the gentle breeze, as she sings in the rippling river, as she sings in the thundering surf, as she sings in the pattering rain, as she sings in the silent grove of Douglas Fir, as she sings in the wail of a newborn's first calls, as she sings in our lover's cries, as she sings in the harmonies of communion between families and friends, neighbors and nations.

The Mother calls to us. We see tears on her face. But now they are tears of joy, for our longed-for healing has finally come. We turn and see the tears of joy on our own faces too.

Where is my inspiration, the infusing of energy into form, am I really here? And my passion, the fire which burns deep within, do I feel it? What about my dream, the grounded vision for a future filled with joy and harmony, hope and glory?

In the beginning was the pain. My pain. My loss. My loneliness. My panic. My terror. Then came anger, then despair, then cynicism. My cynicism. My cynicism was all there was. And it would last until the end, when there would be nothing.

For the first 28 years of my life, I lived each day in cynical despair. What began with my very painful early experiences of manipulative parenting and emotional abuse, blossomed into full-fledged hopelessness as I came of age, completed my education, and became emancipated. I was emancipated, yet anything but free. As the victim of my childhood I had no trust, no friends (impossible without trust), no community (impossible without friends), and no hope (impossible without community).

Looking out, I saw the wounds of others in crystalline clarity, since they all mirrored my pain so accurately. Looking deeper, I saw the wounds of Mother Earth, as she was suffering, heaving, gasping. Looking ahead, I saw the human family dying from nuclear war, famine, the violent collapse of culture, the death of the ecosphere. Looking inward, I saw darkness, the void, the end of my life, and in this also the death of everything else.

Suicide was never my choice however, though once in deepest despair the slim thought of it burned across my mind. I chose instead the slow death of addiction, and with it the even slower death of cynical isolation. For to live without hope, without community, without connection is not really living, but instead just "waiting to die."

Then something changed. Everything changed! Fate lead me into a series of healing relationships which forever shattered the illusion of isolation I'd lived in my whole life. I found myself immersed within a healing community, diving deeply into the passion of a soul marriage, and embarking upon a vocation of transformation and discovery. What began seven years ago has since blossomed into fullness and maturity, into the wondrous life in which I find myself now. In deepest gratitude, to Marlene and Peter I dedicate my work, my vision and my belonging to the life force which birthed us all.

My discovery: Healing is achieved through acceptance, paradoxically and precisely through acceptance of that which I least desire in my life: my pain! In accepting my pain, I discover I also must accept my loss, my loneliness, my panic, my terror, my anger, my despair, and even my cynicism. The acceptance which heals at the soul level I do not find based in an etheric shifting of energies or alignment of my chakras, but instead is an acceptance grounded in the temporal plane, in the field of relationships, in the community of persons and beings, of plants and animals, of stones and water and wind.

I accept because I am taught to accept, through the acceptance of others, through receiving the warmth of touch, the shining of eyes, the glowing of smiles. As I am accepted, I learn to accept my own self. And the walls fall away... The dam breaks and years of grief flow on and on, cleansing all the wounds of my heart. The rage rises and I release, thrashing and flailing on the ground, into the Earth, wrestling with God, but not hurting anyone, not anymore, never harming again! It is my commitment to ahimsa, the principle of non-violence, which liberates my release of anger from the bonds of abusive action and channels the energy of a life of pain into the ground, into the Universe, where thunder claps and torrents fall, and then...there is peace. Shalom. Shanti, peace at last. My soul has come home.

Suddenly, the veils are parted. The shadowed future brightens, awash with the glow of sunlight, of possibility, of newness, of rebirth. My mind floods with ideas, creations yet to be made manifest, inventions of spirit, a feast of artistic splendor. Do I have any limits? Not a one, save that of my imagination! And in freedom, my imagination is boundless. I can only taste a hint of the flavor of this future, and oh, the joy of the harvest to come!

My greatest healing lesson: cynicism is the last resort of a soul in flight. I hold cynicism in my reality because cynicism holds me in my body. As I release the despair which grounds me in pain, I discover the freedom to live into hope. When cynicism returns, as it does now and then with its surprising tenacity, I again enter into the healing cycle, the cycle which begins in acceptance. In acceptance, I practice release. I complain. I scream my complaints, to God, to the Universe, most often just to Marlene, my favorite stand-in for the Goddess. In releasing my pain, I am grounded in my body, and once again discover hope and love and joy.

My greatest challenge: to liberate all from the bonds of oppression! No small task, I know. But I have a secret (not really), that I am not alone! Together, within an ever-growing community of healing, we can save the Earth, free the spirit, heal the soul. I invite all to join me in this most glorious and terrifying task: to release the pain of isolation, the grounding in cynicism which so marks our current age, and together to revitalize and rekindle the flame of passionate community which bonds us in communion with the Maker. This is not an abstract task to be achieved only on the meditation cushion, no! Healing is a commitment which we bring to the most daily and mundane aspects of our existence - brushing our teeth, shopping at the Coop, wiping snot from the baby's nose, even filling the gas tank.

In all acts, in all spheres of temporal life, we embody the spirit of connection, hold in our hearts and minds the healing of community and of Mother Earth. When pain or despair revisits, we connect with a kindred soul and share the pain. When anger arises, we vent him safely and powerfully into the ground, and never again do violence to another soul. When grief flows, we let her flow in torrents, drenching the broken and parched earth of our hearts. When fear shocks us from safety, we tremble in awe as our embodied soul shakes the Specter off. And when joy and peace and passion fill our hearts to brimming, we sing and dance in wonder and love and ecstasy at the glorious gift of life, of Creation, of all that was, and is, and is yet to be...

Thank you for hearing my tale. And please, tell me of your wondrous experience. I love a good liberation story. Blessings.

"The first shall be last, and the last shall be first...The meek shall inherit the Earth..."

Throughout my childhood I heard this scripture verse on a painfully regular basis. Although my father was anything but meek in his role as a minister, his admonition struck deep. In the typical Protestant Puritanical interpretation, I learned that to be confident, wise or authoritative was to commit the sins of pride, arrogance or conceit. These negative beliefs were firmly implanted in my heart, yielding a crisis whenever I attempted to exercise the slightest amount of self-expression. The total effect was the creation of an inner fortress of resistance to my own authority, which I constantly fought to overcome but in the end overcompensated by becoming arrogant.

Needless to say, the quest which lead me to become a teacher and healer by profession presented quite a challenge. I struggled to overcome both my arrogance and my persistent self-deprecation, which I found tended to feed each other in a vicious circle. The more arrogant I discovered myself to be, the more negatively I would judge myself, leading to an even stronger overcompensation of super-confidence. Fortunately, several years working as a counselor gave me a vital lesson: through a daily practice of listening, of giving counsel to others, I learned how to set aside my struggle and to be of service to others. The more pure a listener I became, to less I felt the anxious need to offer advice or solutions to the other's problems, and thus the better the helper I became.

Ultimately this practice has healed my inner rift between knowing and mystery. The "arrogant idiot" yields to become the "questioning child" and the "compassionate parent". The questioning child is the part of self which seeks out new experiences and information, tries to understand and make sense of confusing circumstances, and in general is quite comfortable embracing one's need to learn as a life-long task. The compassionate parent is the wise, knowing part of self which guides and protects the child. The parent understands the need for boundaries and seeks to create a safe environment in which the child may learn. The compassionate parent also allows the child to fully experience the confusion or despair the child often discovers within the void of unknowing.

In my journey to heal my wounds around authority and leadership, I have had the good fortune to stumble upon the path of Emotional Liberation. In my child's wonderfully delighted fashion I have embraced whole-heartedly this powerful method for creating healing experiences. Emotional Liberation is in essence the practice of sharing expression and listening between two or more persons. Each person is provided with an opportunity to give voice to and release any emotions they experience in the moment, in any fashion they choose to express with one condition: that no harm is done to any person. The person or persons who listen provide compassionate witness and grounding in the present moment. The process of Emotional Liberation is so simple that I find myself wishing I could teach it to everyone, especially those who are caught in the pain of conflict, loneliness or despair. My inner critic wonders if the child's enthusiasm is just delusion and grandiosity, but more than ever I'm sure I'm onto something authentic.

The beauty of the Emotional Liberation process is in its ability to balance the Yin and Yang energies, those of listening and expression, joy and sadness, anger and fear, power and vulnerability, knowing and mystery. Thus Emotional Liberation also heals the dilemma of leadership and authority: in this process we all take turns leading and following. Unlike the typical advice columnist or the rude radio show host, Emotional Liberation places the person who is seeking in the role of the "leader" and those who are helping or listening in the role of "follower". In my role as a teacher of the process, I also become a student along with all the companions who join me in the workshops, retreats and ongoing heaing groups. I realize I have taken a radical departure from traditional roles of counselors and clients, and I do so by intention and without appology. On my healing path I have learned the dangerous isolating potential of "professional distance" which all to often serves to reinforces "professional arrogance". Instead, in the Emotional Liberation process you will see me enter the healing circle on the same ground that all my companions traverse. I will release my pain, divulge my secret struggles, seeking assistance from all who will lend a hand. Have I gotten you curious as to what issues I'm working on? Wonderful! Ask me the next time you see me, and I most certainly will tell you!

So the leader follows, and the followers lead. This takes us full circle back to the original passage from "The Sermon on the Mount". What if the Puritanical interpretation of this verse was incorrect, and that the real intent was not to worship self-contempt, but rather to advocate a balance of equality in community judgement. What if we interpret "meekness" to be humility, the ability to share, the value of deferring to the wisdom of others, and the holy ritual of honoring each person's offering at the great banquet. Perhaps the paradox of the "first being last" and "last being first" was merely a warning to heed arrogance, to instead share authority, to balance the playing field and ensure that all can come to the table to be nourished. What I'm really getting at here is our common "calling to leadership". Whether we look into the mythology of Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Judaic or Native American religions, we find a universal theme is present: that of an ordinary person drawn into the extraordinary role of protector, healer, ruler or hero. Or as I see it, the divine role of the leader. And to go a step further, I interpret the archetype as not just calling forth the rare, exceptional individual, but rather the common folk, each and every one of us. We are all called to be leaders, by our common destiny and our common fate.

The dawn of the Year 1999 presents us with a conundrum of perils and a host of blessings. Our selected and elected leaders continue to fail us. President Clinton is embroiled in scandal upon scandal, defending his disembling behavior through impossibly hollow justifications, at the same time launching an attack on Iraq which had as vague an objective as his testimony to the Grand Jury. Still, our national confidence is growing, with a record low unemployment rates, even as Asia and Russia are struggling to recover from economic collapse. Social consciousness and environmental protection continue to become more mainstream, even as the corporate interests seek to distract us from destructive practices and economic inequities upon which the profit margin is based. The Y2K Computer Bug could throw our whole society into chaos and destruction, while a grass-roots movement to protect organic and sustainable agriculture are strong and growing ever stronger.

Peril or blessing - which will it be? "When the people lead, the leaders will follow." The power is in our hands to decide the fate of the generations to come. Let us reclaim our birthright as sovereign, empowered spirits and answer the call of our time to become confident, bold, authoritative leaders. And as we are all leaders so we must also follow each other, joining hands in a great healing circle which reaches to embrace all people of all nations. We will heal our relationships with each other and with the Great Mother who gives us life.

What is your special gift, and will you step forward to lead us into its learning? And will you also be open to learning the great lessons of all the other leaders who surround us?

Peace and Blessings in this New Year.

Just as this Winter was beginning, I learned of the suicide of our friend, Susan _____. I was shocked, like most of her friends, then saddened, and then angered as I tried to comprehend the tragedy of her untimely death. As Intaba talked with surviving friends and family, she said almost everyone was wondering what more they could have done to prevent Susan's death.

Deep inside, I became aware of a pain which I could not avoid: I too thought I could have done something more, but held myself back. When Susan expressed her sorrow, anxiety, frustration, I found myself frightened by the depth of her pain, but also by her frank willingness to communicate it. Even with my practice of leading Emotional Liberation retreats and groups, Susan's pain seemed too intense for me to endure. So when I saw her, I tried to keep my conversations with her "light". I remember as she entered what would be the last arena of her struggle, the mental health system, I thought inwardly that she was already lost. I realize now that this was the point when I abandoned her, as a friend.

I know you are thinking, "Ocean, you're being too hard on yourself!" But I want to be completely honest, and also to see where to go next on my journey. I have been thinking of the many people I know who are in pain, who are isolated, who I see and have only "light" conversations with, instead of true connections. And my response must now be: "I want to know how you feel!" We have such a wonderful community in Corvallis, yet there aren't many venues for communicating our deepest emotions. I certainly don't feel safe expressing much grief in the produce aisle at the Coop!

Thus I am offering the gift of this Emotional Liberation retreat, a time to celebrate our joys and to mark our losses, a place to gather in community to support and heal, to grieve and to dance. This retreat will be held at the Sanctuary, and all are invited to come with their friends and family. We will create a sacred space in which to contemplate and express our deepest feelings and longings, to take on healing commitments and intentions, and to knit a tighter community of support and encouragement.

Following the retreat, we will be starting new Emotional Liberation groups in Portland and the Corvallis area. This work is offered on a donation basis, so all can participate regardless of financial resources. In the end, I want to rest in the assurance that I have done everything I can to be a supportive friend to all who are in need. This is my gift to our community and to myself, and ultimately, to our dear friend Susan.